Sometimes I have these moments when I feel that life has finally come full circle, Those moments when every page in my journey has brought me to now and it finally all makes sense which is kind of wild considering for many years nothing made sense. Life’s funny that way.
Last night as I was reading through old blog entries from an old account I once had, I felt a sweet joy rise in me. As I read words that came from a sad place, a curious place, and from a wounded girl who struggled with allowing her heart to heal, I smiled. I wrote last year about a song that came to me in the car one day and just clicked. I felt like all the past worries of pain from cracks in my heart and missing pieces that were no longer mine finally felt whole again in a new light. I felt a crazy amount of joy not just for me but for the people that played a role in my past chapters and the present. I even began to feel an overwhelming sense of care and love for the people that filled a place I once stood, and now stand.
Today I am incredibly grateful to call one of the people who was influential in my confusion and yet whom I also caused pain too without intention one of my dear friends. Life really has come full circle. Life’s funny like that.
Below are my original thoughts from times past.
November 29, 2011 at 2:29am – Jacksonville, FL.
Here I lie alone staring into pure oblivion hoping that maybe you’re out there somewhere thinking of me. Are you asleep dreaming of what we could have been or do you sit on a stool somewhere drinking your sorrows away? Does she love you more than I do or does she put on a face, a smile to draw you into her world so she can stand where I stood. Some moments, I don’t know who I am without you, all I know is that you walk through my thoughts every moment of my days. Will this stain every fade away? I’ve met some people along the way and laid with them to forget you. Pretending to love. I almost believed myself for a minute and that maybe you really were gone for good; then I turned around and there you were staring back at me from a distant reflection. Did you ever go away? Your name is present in my days, do you hear it echo through the wind when I speak or is it the rustle of the leaves that sweeps through your ears. Do you feel my hearts cry when it sings out to you or do you lay next to her and hear the silent sounds of her breathing? Will this feeling ever fall away and leave me be or will it dwell in my soul till my last breath falls from me? You have stained my story like dark coffee on a sheet on paper, the tannins left behind yet the aroma has faded. When will your ghost stop haunting me? When will you leave me be? I’m lying here alone still… waiting… are you out there somewhere? Are thinking of me…
I got the boy… You got the man.
I recently heard a song on the radio, the lyrics went something to the tune of : “I got the boy, you got the man”….
The song is from Jana Kramer and in her lyrics she bellows out –
“I saw your picture in a paper
Honeymoon in Jamaica, she’s a lucky girl
You look so grown up in your black tux
from a ball cap in a pick up, seems like another world
You and me and our big dreams, falling in love
We were two kids in the backseat, all fearless and young
I got the first kiss and she’ll get the last
She’s got the future, I got the past
I got the class ring, she got the diamond and wedding band
I got the boy, she got the man
Yeah there’s an old you that I knew,
Fake IDs to get into those spring break bars
Back woods on a four wheel, hanging on tight
I can still feel my racing heart
And now you’re cleaned up with a hair cut, nice tie and shoes
If things were different and I had a choice, which would I choose?
I got the first kiss and she’ll get the last
We each got something, the other will never have
I got the long hair, hot head
She got the cool and steady hand
I got the boy and she got the man
I got the boy and she got the man”
When I first heard this song my thoughts immediately reverted back, I’m talking WAY back to my first love or whatever it is were calling it these days. I didn’t know what love was quite yet I suppose but I sure as shit thought I did and it was untouchable. Mesmerizing. Addicting. Obsessive. As the song whistled across my speakers, I thought of him.
All of the memories we shared, all of the firsts and the changes in life and in seasons. All of the good that certainly outweighed the bad. In that moment, My heart smiled full of joy at these thoughts, all the while recognizing his wife (who was also part of the past) will get all of the things this tune sings of…..The wedding band, the last, the forever.
What I came to realize was just how incredibly fortunate I am to have those special memories that can never be touched, never be replaced and will always hold that piece of my heart, that lease, that foundation that has been concreted into a very special place inside my heart in which taught me how to properly build my future. An untouchable place. A place that allowed me to learn so much (although I didn’t yet know this at the time) which then led me to my current thought…..
I am blessed for those memories, I’m blessed that I got the boy but I’m also blessed because I got the Man.
Here I was pondering back many years ago when I heard these lyrics and caught myself singing along but what struck me so deep was that I also played a role in the future…. In the last kiss, in the man.
A different man.
Yes, His past holds those same special moments that I will never have. She owns those memories and firsts in her heart, all of the memories of youth, all of the memories of firsts, but I am blessed to own the future and all of the great things to come. I got the man.
The outcome to a simple song is this …..
We all have space in our hearts for more than one interaction, more than one kind of love, more than one human being to reside in. Our hearts are big and full of space for multiple residencies & it’s those renters that help us build a strong foundation one concrete block at a time to build our future.
Be thankful for your past relationships. Cherish the people that brought you to right now, every single one of them. Allow all of the good memories to outweigh the bad and all of the bad to transform into lessons of gratitude. These are the stretching tools that allow you to grow and lay another Block. These are the people and the circumstances that allowed you to become stronger.
“ Love isn’t where we hide our ghosts, it’s where we release them” – Pavana