Thoughts From Elle

Oh Capri


Cries of my heart on October 10, 2016

I carry your heart with me
I carry it in my heart

I am never without it.

Anywhere I go, you go.

I fear no world, for beautiful you are my world.

You are the moon & you are the song of the sun.

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows; here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life – which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide.

You are the wonder my Capri. 💗

These words Written, shared and deeply rooted came from my heart just 3 short days before an incision was cut with a sharp scapel in my Fallopian tube.  While I lay on a cold metal table unconcsience & unaware, the little heart that was mine was sucked & scraped out to be discarded.

3 days before this event I thought I lost her. I say her because in my heart, I felt it. I mourned the loss and my heart cried out as yet another loss had been added to the tallies of my life. We’ve been through this before, I knew the routine, I knew every sign and every symptom. I knew this part of the journey all too well. Another round under my belt. The fear and heartbreak was just another one in my story. This seemed like it was becoming the norm. As I sat on the cold dark bricks of the patio and reached out my hand to God, I released my wounded aches and cries inside. I am grateful for a photo to remind me of this day. Little did I know, I was wrong. The doctors were wrong. Everything was wrong.

3 days later I would lie in a hospital bed with blood on my arm and the sheets from missed IV’s and shiver from the cold. With swollen eyes and a zombie mind. The pain was too intense, the thoughts too confusing. Frustration washed over me stronger than ever before and as I layed in a cold dark room while enduring yet another ultrasound, that’s when I heard the words. “We are taking you into emergency surgery.”

I didn’t know why. I didn’t know what would happen. I wasn’t sure how I would wake up or what would be missing. A thousand thoughts raced through my mind. Like a New York City street plugged up with taxis and tourists. I couldn’t make sense of any of it. All I could do was cry. Uncontrollably. Fear overcame me.

I cried all the way through pre op. I cried as they transferred me to the cold metal table. I cried.

When I woke up, the pain was present but a different kind of pain. A bearable pain. A healing pain. Physically I knew that whatever had happened in that surgical room was an answer to so many things unknown. It wasn’t until 6 days later that I would find out the reason why.

As I sat in my doctors office to have stitches removed from my abdomen, I waited. So many questions, so many thoughts, so much of the unknown that I would never have an explanation for. Together my doctor and I read the pathology report for the first time and There it was in black and white.

ECTOPIC PREGNANCY – positive.

I had NO choice in the matter. I had NO choice in surgery. WE had no choice. We had No idea this was happening, after all, just 3 days prior I saw my doctor. I told her I had miscarried, she confirmed it. How could this be? How could this be the truth? Was the paper lying?

So many questions but finally a few answers.

I felt a different kind of heartbreak that day. I felt like I was deceived. I wasn’t ok with this. I wasn’t ok with our unborn child being sucked out of my body. I didn’t believe in that. But yet here I was, a victim of it. But the thing is, I wasn’t a victim at all. This saved my life. I was hemorrhaging already and had no idea. My little Capri saved me.

Weeks before this event took place in our life, I heard “Capri” come on pandora almost every Single time I took a shower. I’ve always been one to listen to music while I get ready for the day and here it was. Day after day. “Capri” Sweet Baby. “There is an angel, growing peacefully” The song is sung by Colbie Callait & is worth a listen. I would sing along every word while showering and holding my stomach. This was it, finally our time. Baby inside. Capri. What I did not yet know was that just like the lyrics, that was exactly what was happening. Our angel was growing her wings.

As the time came to start working through my emotions of everything we had just endured with accepting another loss and embracing new battle wounds (scars) I couldn’t help but keep hearing these music lyrics play in my head over and over again.

I woke up one morning and I needed to know, why? Why this song. Why Capri? What did it mean? What is Capri? I mean, I knew it was a location in Italy & yes Scott has Italian roots but it had to be something more. I dug and dug for answers. The dictionary read ‘a combining form meaning “goat”. ‘ Well this was no help at all! What the hell did a goat have to do with it. So I kept digging. I searched “goat” in spirit animals. I searched “goat” in a spiritual sense. I searched and searched and what I began to learn was that “Capri – Goat” was a sacrifice.

Here’s an excerpt about what I learned:

“If Goat has climbed onto your path;

It is letting you know that this is a time to begin new climbs and new endeavors. Take your time and plan your course. Look closely at what is ahead so that you can be surefooted along your course. This animal can also be letting you know that perhaps its time to stretch and reach for new heights. Are your goals high enough? Do you deserve more? Alternatively this creature can be letting you know that you have to trust your own ability to land on your feet. Having faith in yourself and your own abilities is a very powerful tool that is available to you at all times. Move forward one step at a time.”

I also learned that the goat is a very independent creature and tends to head upwards on its own separate from their flock. Goats have also been used for many years as spiritual sacrifices.

It was starting to make sense and I finally knew why this baby. My baby. Our baby was Capri. It was our sacrifice that needed to be independent and head upwards on its own without us to teach me that I needed to have faith. I needed to be patient for the answers. I needed to trust the medical staff and my body. I needed to set goals for myself and become healthy for myself first. I have always desired to be a mother but what good would I be to a young life if I didn’t love myself first. I mean whole heartedly love and take care of me. This was a difficult lesson to recognize and a painful journey that we walked through. It tore heartstrings wide open and threw wrenches in the way but we came out on top. My Capri saved me literally.

I can now only strive to work my hardest to be by best self. To love myself wholly and unconditionally. To work hard for external health as deeply as I have for internal health. I am blessed and eternally grateful for the life that we created. Although short, that little heart, that little being left a HUGE mark in our hearts and most definitely in my life.

Fear became the most common emotion to feel. The joy has been washed away. I was missing so much of the blessings by allowing pain to be the driving force in losing these battles. A battle I felt for so long was with my body. Why did my body hate me so much.

This time, this little life that we created taught me more than I could have ever imagined. Our little hearts live in my heart and I am honored to be the chosen person for them. I will not allow fear to drive me every again. I will not lose my footing and I will continue to have faith and hope in myself and in my God.

Thank you for this lesson. For this life.

Music is Healing • Healing is Power.

You are My Wonder. My Capri.

-Elle

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